.

Don't worry, for all the B.S I give you sometimes, I get you, I really do, just the same as I always did, and the same as the way I know that you know me. I know I'm talking rubbish half the time, and probably taking the piss a bit too much, and I'm hoping that you know that too. But really, believe me, for all the times that I rip it out of you, it really means nothing, and we're just the same as we always were, if not more. H.S.A

Jeez...I have issues...

We had our GCSE certificate presentation evening a few nights ago. It should have been a really great night, because after all, our years results were the best our school's ever had, and we all had a lot to celebrate.

But somehow, I couldn't shake off a feeling of regret, and that I'd failed somehow. I know it's crazy, by most peoples standards I did great, 7A*s is hardly failing. But still, I always look back on it and feel like it just wasn't good enough. I hate admitting this, and I very rarely do, becuase the response I always get is something along the lines of 'what are you talking about, I only got........, you did great' etc. And to be honest, I know a lot of people would love to have the grades I got, and I always feel bad admitting that I'm dissapointed in what I did, because I know I really shouldn't be. But I still am.

I guess it's because I put so much pressure on myself to be the best. However well I do, I still won't think it's good enough. I've always been like that, but even more so in the last few years. Ever since I decided that I wanted to be a vet, I've known that nothing but the best grades will be good enough. And sometimes, it's a good thing, I always work for exams now (partially as a result of feeling that my GCSE's weren't good enough), and really push myself to do the best I can (and by the best, I mean as close to 100% as I can get). And I realise I sound totally out of my mind, but sometimes it really gets me down when I don't do as well as I could have done.
Again, I try not to show it, but for me, I count a B instead of an A as not being good enough (last week we had a Biology test, I got 86%, 10% lower than I did in the last one. Even though I was ahead of the rest of the class, I still had this nagging feeling that I was getting worse and not doing well enough). And I never really talk about it because no one really understands it, and just tells me I did really well.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that no matter how much pressure teachers and my parents put on me, it can't come close to the amount that I put on myself. I know I really should let up on myself sometimes, but I just can't, and I don't know if I ever will. And I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing.

And they say WE think we know everything?

I've just found a blog promoting abstinence in teenagers. It has got posts on how 'safe sex' teaching is corrupting us, how the HPV jab is encouraging sex and is dangerous (I'm not even going to start on that, I'll just say that I had it and didn't feel the immediate urge to go out and have sex as I was now 'invincible'), and the usual celibacy stuff. I'm not going to comment on the subject of whether I agree with abstinence (not now anyway), as that's not really what I want to get at here.

What really got me was the single mindedness of the writers of the blog, in thinking that obviously, as teenagers, we are idiots. Obviously.

I'll give you some quotes from this blog, my comments are in blue.

First of all, one about the sex ed system: "Those who write the “health
education” curriculum, oversee the lesson plans and have the greatest
authority in education believe that there are no taboos, and no boundaries
on a teenager’s sex life." Because of course, I was taught how to use a condom to prevent STD's and that means I spend my time sleeping with every guy I see, because, you know, us teenagers are actually a different species and have no ability to think for ourselves without someone jamming stuff down our throats.

Many educators are obsessed with promoting a promiscuous lifestyle. One
particularly disturbing tactic is to strip our little girls of their natural
inclination toward modesty and replace it with an attitude of sexual
dominance. They teach young women that the way to get ahead in the world is
not through their grace, or goodness, or intelligence - but through their
sexual power.

Combine this reality with the theme of my last two columns, which are about
the entertainment industry’s elevation of a highly sexual and crassly
powerful young female image, and we’ve created a culture in which our
precious little daughters are constantly bombarded by messages that degrade
their innate value, reducing them to nothing more than sex objects. Excuse me? I've come through the sex ed system, and I don't consider myself a sex object. Frankly, I'm insulted that people can actually generalise like this, and decide that everyone is the same, and since we know about safe sex we are all sex dolls. Sorry Mr Hotshot propaganda guy, but I beg to differ.

Ok, now for my favourite bit:

When a teen is attempting to make a decision regarding what to do in any given situation they like most humans, you would think would use logical reasoning and weight the pros and cons. You would also think that they would think of how their decision might influence others around them such as their parents and their peers, however this is not true. Teens on the other hand are very egocentric, or self-centered, with their thinking, they do not seem to care about how their decisions will influence others, and as a result only care about themselves, or that is how it seems.

Teens also think in a way which psychologists call “magical thinking” this is the “it will never happen to me” type thinking. Therefore, they do not think that anything bad can happen to them, therefore they succumb to peer pressure and as a result may make negative choices, such as choosing to drive too fast, or to drink a beer or two, or to go to far sexually with a person of the opposite sex. They do not think that the negative consequences can follow because in their minds, that “can never happen to them”. So, they do not even consider the consequences such as wrecking harm to themselves or others, or pregnancy.

Parents often find it difficult to deal with teens and their skewed ways of thinking.

I told you, teens are obviously a different species.....

Is anyone else sick of the mentality among people like this that we are uncapable of making our own decisions, and will ruin our lives if left to think for ourselves even for a single moment?

friendship

"True friendship, is loading a gun, giving it to someone, aiming it at your own head, and then turning your back to them"

chasing pipe dreams...

I'm in the middle of one of those rare, mad but totally brilliant moments where your mind starts running away with you, planning and thinking about how something really could work out. But, inevitably, these moments never last, the plans hardly ever happen, and in no time you're back to normal life.

Now, this sounds mad, but I've always dreamed of being an artist, professionally. I've never really wanted to do it full time, it's too unreliable, but I've always wished I could sell some of my stuff alongside whatever job I end up with. I've never thought my work was good enough, but I'm beginning to think that one day, it might be. Well, I guess only time will tell, maybe this will be the exception to the rule, and could work out, or maybe it's just another pipe dream...

Slight hiccup

Well, in any sport I guess you have to take the highs and lows (in this case, in very quick succesion, one minute I was very high above the ground, and then crashing down onto it the next lol). This particular low landed me firstly on the floor, and then in A+E (or 'emergency department' as I'm told it's now called).

I was riding blue in the school yesterday, doing some work over jumps to improve his technique. He was going really well, but panicked as the grid got slightly more difficult, so leapt huge over the second jump and then stopped dead and bucked (again huge lol). Needless to say, I fell (from about 6/7 feet in the air, considering that we went up before falling down). Landed heavily (thinking 'this is going to hurt!' as I fell), rolled across the ground (under blue's feet at one point), and managed to get up and straight back on remarkably unscathed.

I put the jumps down a little and tried again, thinking that he wouldn't do the same thing twice as he knew what to do over the jumps now. But no, something had short cicuited in his little racehorse brain and he did exactly the same again, just bigger. This time I wasn't so lucky and crashed down to the ground with my arm outstretched. Got back on yet again to make sure that he did something right before we finished, and then got off and went to hospital.

I've managed to strain ligaments, tendons, nerves, muscles and god knows what else in my left elbow, and strain my right wrist. Not allowed to ride for a while, which sucks, but I'm sure I can find a way to get back on a horse soon.

And who says horse riding doesn't take guts?

pictures :D

A few more pictures of blue, 1 week later :) And I know I'm totally left behind on the last one, he jumped bigger than I was expecting lol, still, can't blame him for trying, I'll just have to give him a bigger jump next time :D

my own little film style romance

could he be it? x

Feeling Blue....

New horse on the yard :)

This is Blue, he's an ex racehorse, and at the yard for a short while to be sold on.

I rode him for the first time the other day, and totally fell in love with him. We just seemed to click with each other almost instantly. Gemma said that she'd never seen him jump as well as he did that day for anyone, and that he was looking better than ever before. Now I've always wanted to own an ex racehorse and bring it on to have a useful second career. Right now, Blue is still green, so unlikely to find anyone who wants to spend the time with him to make him into the great horse he could be, he's likely to end up as a quiet hack, which would be such a waste. I just wish I could buy him, bring him on a bit and give him a chance to show what he can really do, he's got so much untapped potential at the moment, he just needs someone to channel it. A few photos for you, he's such a handsome boy!

Something I'm not

My last post went on a bit, so I'll try and keep this short. I was at a sports event today, and one of the teachers was there talking to my mum. I found out later that she'd said something along the lines of, 'she (as in me) does so well doesn't she? She works so hard even though her feet are the way they are'.

Now, that doesn't really sound much, but I really felt it. Anyone who knows me knows that I've got a slight inward turn on my feet, and yes, it looks odd. I'm not denying that, it was the bane of my life all through juniors, and I swear I still get a few odd looks from strangers in the street. But I've learnt to ignore it, I barely remember it's there most of the time, and I like to think that my friends don't either.

But a comment like that just takes me right down. I hate being classed as 'someone who struggles valiantly against the odds', because I'm just not. My feet, apart from looking different and a bit goofy, have never affected me. It doesn't affect how fast I run, I was 5th in the county at hurdles a couple of years ago, shouldn't that speak for itself? I'm good at sport, I know that. Can't I just be like anyone else who is? I always thought that that teacher just saw me as a sports person, not as anything different, and it just got me thinking, all those times she said I was doing great, was she just being nice? Did i really fall for it? I'm just a regular person, I don't need to be patronised or thought of as 'brave for working hard through it all'. I just don't need it, because one step on from that is starting to overly encourage, help and patronise me. Which the few times that has happened to me, I loathed. I really do hate it with a passion. I'm just a normal person. So why won't they treat me like one?

Modern day mind control

Have you ever walked through a shopping centre when it's quiet. Not dead like it is walking through after the shops are closed, but just quiet enough to not be constantly pushing through crowds, and actually be able to see and hear individual people for more than a split second as they brush past you.

I was walking round one of the smaller shopping centres about lunchtime last week. It's depressing in a way, walking there; every other shop is boarded up, and some of the shops I used to spend ages in as a child are completely gone.

But anyway, I digress. Just walking through, I noticed the few people around me properly for the first time. And then I noticed that they were all stepping in time to the deliberately upbeat music playing throughout the centre. Literally everyone I saw.

This is turning into a bit of a ramble now, but it got me thinking. Are we really that easy to control? I mean, I reckon half of these people weren't even musical, yet there they were, changing the speed that they were walking at without even realising it. And they say that mind control doesn't exist......

Forgive and forget? If only if were that simple....

Why is it that some people you can forgive the unforgiveable, and others you can't even begin to understand? Yesterday I forgave someone something that, by anyones standards, was totally heartless and unforgiveable. Call me an idiot, but I did it because I truly believe that he's a good person, he just got into a hole, kept digging until he couldn't get out with causing a landslide. And tbh, however much I should hate him for it, the guys got guts. It takes a lot to admit to what he did, knowing what he had to lose, but he still did it.

On the other hand we have the other person. I've tried really hard to forgive them (for much less than the first) and get on with them. But failed. I just can't do it. There seems to be a mutual hatred so strong running between us that try as I might, however many times I keep ignoring their faults and comments, there will always be another thrown at me. I just can't make myself turn the other cheek again and again and get along with them. I've tried arguing it out with them repeatedly, but as much as it pains me to say it, I can never win, because they will never concede a point. The thing is, both of us think that we came out worse all that time ago, I was truly sorry about my part in it, they say they were as well, but words are so easy to say, it's so much harder to mean them.

Anyway, the point is, why are some people just so hard to get along with? Do they do it deliberately? Even when they know that just for a while, you have no choice but to be around each other? I guess some people just think differently.

Introducing......my life

It's been a bit quiet on here for a while (mainly because I've been to lazy to post anything lol) so I thought I should actually write something for a change.

I was a bit stuck for ideas of what to write here (a bit like when someone just snaps their fingers and expects you to make conversation out of an awkward silence, anyone seen that inbetweeners episode? Anyway, I digress...) so I thought I'd write about the obvious, my life (and by that I mean my horse.)

My horse, and riding, pretty much makes up my life. It is the reason that I have no free time, that I spend most of the winter, cold, wet and covered in mud. Before you start thinking horse=rich girly girl who just loves cute things and is completely brainless, don't. Just don't. Because I assure you, I am not (for a perfect illustration of the afore mentioned girly girl see katie price).

Firstly, I just want to put a few things right.

1. This may come as a shock to a lot of you, but horse riding is hard. It is not merely sitting on a horse and letting it do all the work, as a lot of people think. At the end of a cross country course, the rider is usually as out of breath as the horse, and I've lost count of the number of times I've woken up the next morning and found all my muscles tired from overwork. Also, it isn't something anyone can jump on a horse and do. I've been riding since I could walk, and I would still count myself as a novice. It's not because I'm a bad rider, it's just that that's how long it takes to learn.
   
2. Riding is not cruel to horses. Admitedly, there are people out there who abuse horses and use cruel training methods BUT they are a minority. The majority of horse owners would never dream of mistreating their horses. Just look at a proffessional showjumper/eventer. Do you really think a horse would jump a six foot fence if he didn't want to? Try as you like, you really can't force a horse to do anything. Even more amazing is natural horsemanship trainers. While some of them are slightly delusional and incompetant, there are some who can ride, and jump a horse with nothing but a rope round the horses neck. Again, you can try as hard as you like, but you can't make a horse do that.

Anyway, I seem to have digressed again. Onto Fly.

Fly is an 11 year old gelding, came over from Ireland as a youngster and is your standard, run of the mill non-descript horse. As far as i know he is a thoroughbred x connemara but I haven't got a clue about his breeding. But, he is far more special than his breeding would imply. While he's not a posh well bred expensive horse, he has far more ability than it looks. It really is the best feeling in the world to go into a jumping class full of posh snobby, stuck up girls (of which there are a lot) on expensive horses looking down at my scruffy little horse, and then beat them. He is quite literally my life, and means everything to me. Ok, that probably didn't mean a lot to most of you, so here are some pictures :)

Shrine post - Banksy

After much prodding from certain people, I'm finally doing a shrine post. And yes it's a bit picture heavy, but after all, that's what makes him so brilliant, so why not show it?

For those who don't know, Banksy is a British street/graffiti artist. He paints on walls, buildings, billboards, even the 'segregation wall' between Palestine and Israel. He paints around signs, lamposts, windows even holes in walls. His paintings challenge society, and often quite literally stick two fingers up to the world we live in today; consumerism, materialism, authority. Everyone interprets them differently, but what I really love about them is they can never end up in a stuffy art gallery, being bid over by millionaires and billionaires. They'll always be out in the open, for everyone to look at. His paintings are often very powerful, and really make you think. No-one knows who Banksy is, he chooses to remain anonymous. This is partly because of neccesity; his work is technically illegal as it is graffiti. But I think that the real reason is that since he is no-one, in a way he is everyone. How can you know that the man walking down the street in front of you isn't Banksy? It's brilliant, in a way that I can't quite put my finger on. It's like he's the little voice inside your head telling you that society is flawed, majorly, but you keep ignoring. He's the eptimony of free speech, and maybe a bit of teenage anarchy, which he probably should be to old for now, but who knows. I've gone on a bit here, but I guess the point is, Banksy is who, or what you make him. Some think of him as a worthless vandal who makes a living by defacing property, but I see him as inspirational, and a welcome relief from 'art' which consists of something a 5 year old could have done with a stick and a blob of red paint.

So Banksy, I salute you!

Friends

True friends are hard to find. There are lots of people who I consider friends, but out of all of them, there are 5 who are really close to me. I'm not going to say who, because I reckon they already know who they are. It's weird, I found them in strange places. They're all in different friendship groups, some I've known for years, some I've only known since Robert Mays. 3 are guys, 2 are girls. Some of them aren't who you'd expect, but are still better friends to me than most. A lot of people have a group who they hang out with all the time, and are also their best friends. I don't have that, mine are scattered all over the place, so I'm constantly moving between groups trying to keep up with them all. But honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Number 1 is probably the closest friend I've ever had. I know them through and through, and they probably know me better than I know myself. I've been through everything with them, the best and worst times of my life. They've always been there for me, they're quite possibly insane, but that makes them so much more fun. I'm gonna miss them a lot when we go to college :(

2 is strange. They've always been there, and nothing I tell them could surprise them, so I quite literally tell them everything. I trust them totally, and we have the best of times together. I don't hang around with them as much as some of the others, and sometimes I wish that I did, but tbh I know they'll be there when I need them, and I'll be there if ever they need me, so it doesn't really matter if we don't spend every minute of the day together.

3 I've known for ages, and we've had our good and bad times, but always pulled through, and our friendship's been stronger than before. I see them more than my other friends, mainly because they live nearer, and I'm always talking to them. She's probably the friend who's closest to being a proper 'girlfriend' (not in that way :P)

4 I've known for the shortest time, but is just as close to me as the others. They're the kind of person who I can sit next to at breaks, hardly say a word to but feel like we've had the best conversation in the world. They truly have a way with words, and always seem to know what I'm thinking, and have an answer to every problem I could possibly think of. I never really realised just how much I cared about them, until it looked like they were in real danger and I was terrified for them, but didn't show it because I just wanted them to be ok and not to realise how scared I was.

These people are the best people I've ever known, and I hope never to lose contact with any of them. To the people on here: You know who you are, and you know just how much you mean to me. Thanks :) x (and the more observant of you might have noticed number 5 isn't on here, and that's because I'm still not really into this bloggy thing, and some things are best kept to yourself)

Until next time (and god knows when that will be)

X

First Post!

See, I do have a blog =P lol. Now all that's left is to work out what to write here.......




Watch this space....