.

Don't worry, for all the B.S I give you sometimes, I get you, I really do, just the same as I always did, and the same as the way I know that you know me. I know I'm talking rubbish half the time, and probably taking the piss a bit too much, and I'm hoping that you know that too. But really, believe me, for all the times that I rip it out of you, it really means nothing, and we're just the same as we always were, if not more. H.S.A

Jeez...I have issues...

We had our GCSE certificate presentation evening a few nights ago. It should have been a really great night, because after all, our years results were the best our school's ever had, and we all had a lot to celebrate.

But somehow, I couldn't shake off a feeling of regret, and that I'd failed somehow. I know it's crazy, by most peoples standards I did great, 7A*s is hardly failing. But still, I always look back on it and feel like it just wasn't good enough. I hate admitting this, and I very rarely do, becuase the response I always get is something along the lines of 'what are you talking about, I only got........, you did great' etc. And to be honest, I know a lot of people would love to have the grades I got, and I always feel bad admitting that I'm dissapointed in what I did, because I know I really shouldn't be. But I still am.

I guess it's because I put so much pressure on myself to be the best. However well I do, I still won't think it's good enough. I've always been like that, but even more so in the last few years. Ever since I decided that I wanted to be a vet, I've known that nothing but the best grades will be good enough. And sometimes, it's a good thing, I always work for exams now (partially as a result of feeling that my GCSE's weren't good enough), and really push myself to do the best I can (and by the best, I mean as close to 100% as I can get). And I realise I sound totally out of my mind, but sometimes it really gets me down when I don't do as well as I could have done.
Again, I try not to show it, but for me, I count a B instead of an A as not being good enough (last week we had a Biology test, I got 86%, 10% lower than I did in the last one. Even though I was ahead of the rest of the class, I still had this nagging feeling that I was getting worse and not doing well enough). And I never really talk about it because no one really understands it, and just tells me I did really well.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that no matter how much pressure teachers and my parents put on me, it can't come close to the amount that I put on myself. I know I really should let up on myself sometimes, but I just can't, and I don't know if I ever will. And I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing.

And they say WE think we know everything?

I've just found a blog promoting abstinence in teenagers. It has got posts on how 'safe sex' teaching is corrupting us, how the HPV jab is encouraging sex and is dangerous (I'm not even going to start on that, I'll just say that I had it and didn't feel the immediate urge to go out and have sex as I was now 'invincible'), and the usual celibacy stuff. I'm not going to comment on the subject of whether I agree with abstinence (not now anyway), as that's not really what I want to get at here.

What really got me was the single mindedness of the writers of the blog, in thinking that obviously, as teenagers, we are idiots. Obviously.

I'll give you some quotes from this blog, my comments are in blue.

First of all, one about the sex ed system: "Those who write the “health
education” curriculum, oversee the lesson plans and have the greatest
authority in education believe that there are no taboos, and no boundaries
on a teenager’s sex life." Because of course, I was taught how to use a condom to prevent STD's and that means I spend my time sleeping with every guy I see, because, you know, us teenagers are actually a different species and have no ability to think for ourselves without someone jamming stuff down our throats.

Many educators are obsessed with promoting a promiscuous lifestyle. One
particularly disturbing tactic is to strip our little girls of their natural
inclination toward modesty and replace it with an attitude of sexual
dominance. They teach young women that the way to get ahead in the world is
not through their grace, or goodness, or intelligence - but through their
sexual power.

Combine this reality with the theme of my last two columns, which are about
the entertainment industry’s elevation of a highly sexual and crassly
powerful young female image, and we’ve created a culture in which our
precious little daughters are constantly bombarded by messages that degrade
their innate value, reducing them to nothing more than sex objects. Excuse me? I've come through the sex ed system, and I don't consider myself a sex object. Frankly, I'm insulted that people can actually generalise like this, and decide that everyone is the same, and since we know about safe sex we are all sex dolls. Sorry Mr Hotshot propaganda guy, but I beg to differ.

Ok, now for my favourite bit:

When a teen is attempting to make a decision regarding what to do in any given situation they like most humans, you would think would use logical reasoning and weight the pros and cons. You would also think that they would think of how their decision might influence others around them such as their parents and their peers, however this is not true. Teens on the other hand are very egocentric, or self-centered, with their thinking, they do not seem to care about how their decisions will influence others, and as a result only care about themselves, or that is how it seems.

Teens also think in a way which psychologists call “magical thinking” this is the “it will never happen to me” type thinking. Therefore, they do not think that anything bad can happen to them, therefore they succumb to peer pressure and as a result may make negative choices, such as choosing to drive too fast, or to drink a beer or two, or to go to far sexually with a person of the opposite sex. They do not think that the negative consequences can follow because in their minds, that “can never happen to them”. So, they do not even consider the consequences such as wrecking harm to themselves or others, or pregnancy.

Parents often find it difficult to deal with teens and their skewed ways of thinking.

I told you, teens are obviously a different species.....

Is anyone else sick of the mentality among people like this that we are uncapable of making our own decisions, and will ruin our lives if left to think for ourselves even for a single moment?

friendship

"True friendship, is loading a gun, giving it to someone, aiming it at your own head, and then turning your back to them"

chasing pipe dreams...

I'm in the middle of one of those rare, mad but totally brilliant moments where your mind starts running away with you, planning and thinking about how something really could work out. But, inevitably, these moments never last, the plans hardly ever happen, and in no time you're back to normal life.

Now, this sounds mad, but I've always dreamed of being an artist, professionally. I've never really wanted to do it full time, it's too unreliable, but I've always wished I could sell some of my stuff alongside whatever job I end up with. I've never thought my work was good enough, but I'm beginning to think that one day, it might be. Well, I guess only time will tell, maybe this will be the exception to the rule, and could work out, or maybe it's just another pipe dream...

Slight hiccup

Well, in any sport I guess you have to take the highs and lows (in this case, in very quick succesion, one minute I was very high above the ground, and then crashing down onto it the next lol). This particular low landed me firstly on the floor, and then in A+E (or 'emergency department' as I'm told it's now called).

I was riding blue in the school yesterday, doing some work over jumps to improve his technique. He was going really well, but panicked as the grid got slightly more difficult, so leapt huge over the second jump and then stopped dead and bucked (again huge lol). Needless to say, I fell (from about 6/7 feet in the air, considering that we went up before falling down). Landed heavily (thinking 'this is going to hurt!' as I fell), rolled across the ground (under blue's feet at one point), and managed to get up and straight back on remarkably unscathed.

I put the jumps down a little and tried again, thinking that he wouldn't do the same thing twice as he knew what to do over the jumps now. But no, something had short cicuited in his little racehorse brain and he did exactly the same again, just bigger. This time I wasn't so lucky and crashed down to the ground with my arm outstretched. Got back on yet again to make sure that he did something right before we finished, and then got off and went to hospital.

I've managed to strain ligaments, tendons, nerves, muscles and god knows what else in my left elbow, and strain my right wrist. Not allowed to ride for a while, which sucks, but I'm sure I can find a way to get back on a horse soon.

And who says horse riding doesn't take guts?

pictures :D

A few more pictures of blue, 1 week later :) And I know I'm totally left behind on the last one, he jumped bigger than I was expecting lol, still, can't blame him for trying, I'll just have to give him a bigger jump next time :D