Saturday, 14 November 2009

Jeez...I have issues...

We had our GCSE certificate presentation evening a few nights ago. It should have been a really great night, because after all, our years results were the best our school's ever had, and we all had a lot to celebrate.

But somehow, I couldn't shake off a feeling of regret, and that I'd failed somehow. I know it's crazy, by most peoples standards I did great, 7A*s is hardly failing. But still, I always look back on it and feel like it just wasn't good enough. I hate admitting this, and I very rarely do, becuase the response I always get is something along the lines of 'what are you talking about, I only got........, you did great' etc. And to be honest, I know a lot of people would love to have the grades I got, and I always feel bad admitting that I'm dissapointed in what I did, because I know I really shouldn't be. But I still am.

I guess it's because I put so much pressure on myself to be the best. However well I do, I still won't think it's good enough. I've always been like that, but even more so in the last few years. Ever since I decided that I wanted to be a vet, I've known that nothing but the best grades will be good enough. And sometimes, it's a good thing, I always work for exams now (partially as a result of feeling that my GCSE's weren't good enough), and really push myself to do the best I can (and by the best, I mean as close to 100% as I can get). And I realise I sound totally out of my mind, but sometimes it really gets me down when I don't do as well as I could have done.
Again, I try not to show it, but for me, I count a B instead of an A as not being good enough (last week we had a Biology test, I got 86%, 10% lower than I did in the last one. Even though I was ahead of the rest of the class, I still had this nagging feeling that I was getting worse and not doing well enough). And I never really talk about it because no one really understands it, and just tells me I did really well.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that no matter how much pressure teachers and my parents put on me, it can't come close to the amount that I put on myself. I know I really should let up on myself sometimes, but I just can't, and I don't know if I ever will. And I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing.