Tuesday, 13 July 2010

I usually keep my feelings to myself, or at least between me and a few close friends, but sometimes you just need to vent, and let it all out to be lost into the depths of cyberspace.

This doesn't even go that easily into words, but I'll try. I'm torn between emotions right now, I don't know what I think or what I want to do.

First the anger. I can't believe that you're still playing the victim here. I'm not perfect, far from it, and I know that. I know that I can be irritating to some people, (and discovered the other day that I have an annoyingly posh voice), and I'll accept that I'm stubborn sometimes, and perhaps take the piss a little too much. But no one is perfect. I genuinely do like people until they give me reason not to, and try to show it. Now take a look at yourself, you're also not perfect, and you've treated me and certain other people like dirt on the bottom of your shoe recently.

Now miraculously, I haven't changed over the last few months, I am the same person I always was, so I can't see what's sparked this sudden hatred of me that you seem to have developed.

Then the frustration. Am I invisible to you now? I saw you earlier while I was sitting with another friend. You only looked at me once in that entire conversation, and that was only when I asked you a direct question and you couldn't avoid it. You've been doing this for weeks. Every time I appear you disappear, you barely acknowledge my presence if I'm sitting next to you, and ignore my attempts to be friendly.

Finally, despite every reason you've given me to dislike you by treating me like shit recently, I still can't help but feel an overriding sense of sadness, and loss. We were so close, I told you everything, and you knew me inside out. We had our songs that listened to together, and we both knew every word to, and I can't listen to them now without feeling pangs of sadness sink deep into me. I remember lying all night with you on the trampoline at your 16th birthday, and watching the night drift into day as the sun rose over the horizon. I remember seeing you with a hole halfway through your leg, holding your hand and swearing blind that it was just a scratch, not wanting to worry you. I can remember telling anyone who suggested that you were effeminate that anyone who can lie there and look at his bone through a gash in his leg and not panic was more of a man than any guy I'd ever met. I remember watching you fly solo for the first time, and feeling proud to be the one there with you. I remember visiting one of the most harrowing places on this earth with you, but being comforted when I looked through tear filled eyes and saw you looking over at me. I can remember giving you my favourite painting of the series I did for my GCSE, writing on the back of it and meaning every word, and still meaning it now as I write this.

I miss what we had, and I wish we could go back to it, although somehow it looks like you don't want to, and we never will. Whatever I did to deserve to be cut out of your life, it must have been terrible for me to deserve this, and I am truly sorry for it.

Even now, I still wear a necklace with your initial inscribed into the back of it, and it just reminds me of how I've loved, and lost. So is this an opportunity for a fresh start? Or is it really the end to something beautiful. It's your choice, I've done all I can.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

for how long do you let sleeping dogs lie?

As if my life wasn't stressful enough right now. And there we go, I've already made this about me again. In all honesty it's not, never was, it's about someone who I might well be closer to than almost anyone else in this world. Just thinking of them going through what they did gives me a physical pain in my chest, which crushes any other thoughts out of my head.

This was in essence 'a sleeping dog'. Gone, in the past, unspoken of and unthought about. At least by me. The other night, a late night conversation revealed that there was far more to this dog than I realised, more of a snarling, snapping wolf than a slightly growling terrier. The things I heard that night had me alternating between tears, shaking with sickness and rage and breaking into a cold sweat (I didn't even know that was possible).

So right now I have a dilemma, but it's not even my dilemma. I know at some point I'll be asked to give an opinion on it, but I don't know what I'm going to say. Do I let it lie, leaving a shadow threatening to creep into her life, or do I attempt tell her to bring some tiny amount of justice to world, and by doing that either fix it or risk throwing that shadow straight over her.

Right now it's all I can do to keep my head above the water, and walk tall like nothing's ever been wrong in this world.

Friday, 23 April 2010


maybe we haven't drifted as far as I thought we had. I'm feeling an islandy underwater connection type metaphor here....

Monday, 25 January 2010


I guess that it just goes to show, however far you think you've drifted apart, your true friends will never stray out of arms reach, and really you're still as you always were, you just didn't realise it x